Being a Narcissist has to be the most defeating and isolated feeling because in the exact words of one. . . .”If only everyone would co-operate with me the world would be a happy place, and there would not be any trouble then.”
And yes it was said in those exact words.
Christmas Season is well documented over many generations as being the time when there are more suicides and attempted suicides than at any other event of the year. There are more divorces and break-ups within family units. More people overspend and suffer financially, and there are more accidents largely caused by distractions. Distractions include finding coping mechanisms to deal with people you love . . . with hate and despair.
Who can blame anyone for wanting to check out for the Yuletide Season? I don’t mean literally. . .I mean figuratively. After years and years of unpleasant Merry Christmases, some of us are so weary and wary, that we would rather avoid all the trappings of the season, than to experience new promises with the same old results. Let’s make new memories translates let’s pretend all the unaddressable issues don’t matter and if we spend lavishly upon each other we act like we are happy and content. Only there is nothing new. . It is only a repetition and cumulation of all the past.
Narcissists send out cheery cards -wishing everyone on their list happiness and peace when they have no concept of what that feels like within. A Narcissist is never satisfied, and always has an infinite cavern of doubt, fear, anxiety, distrust, and lack of status. Those fears erupt daily and are expressed, by demands and expectations that are completely unrealistic and unobtainable. The eruptions boil over with anger, name-calling, resorting to accusations, more unreasonable demands. Or they can take a completely opposing techniques. Suddenly they are able to appear thoughtful, kind-hearted, and generous plying their victim with pseudo tenderness, buying lunches and entertainment and gifts
NEVER!! be fooled by any of it. Narcissists need a steady supply of supporters to assure them that they are loved , respected and most of all a perfect human specimen. Therefore any and all generosity comes with a huge payback contract whether the recipient knows it or not. When my MIL passes me cash, or otherwise gives a gift she is buying insurance for herself the next time an issue arises with anyone including her son, my husband- she expects that I must side with her against my own husband. To refuse her generosity means instant attack and also sustained attacks lasting well into weeks ahead and repeated as remembered. A given gift can be called back if not properly appreciated!
Now imagine being a child of a parent with this syndrome. He can only recall about 2 Christmases that seemed pleasant, and they were in his very early years, possibly because he was not even aware of any dynamics. That oblivious freedom of an innocent child’s expectation evaporates steadily and completely erodes when the complications of parent figures are unleashed upon that toddler. Not that the child understands, he constantly strives to be a pleaser and tries to fill the vacuum he senses his mother needs. He is never successful however. The more compliant he is, the more is expected. The child is forced to be a subservient. All his actions and thoughts are controlled. He is only given an occasional opportunity to make a choice for himself and it always is done to set that child up to fail. That proves to the Narcissistic that she alone is capable of directing her child’s life. And it re-enforces the child who become more and more dependent on his mother to decide everything for him
Narcissists are incapable of actually parenting. They may adequately supply all the physical needs like food, shelter etc, but the entire purpose of that child is to make his parent look perfect, all the while the parent proclaims that they are looking out for the child’s future. These children become so adept at accepting this bizarre behavior that the patterns become unbreakable. When the child is 48 and decides to buy his wife a gift to show her how much he loves her, the parent has expectations that her child OWES!! . . her a gift that is somewhat superior to the one he just bought for his wife, and it will be held against him in poignant reminders for the rest of her life. The “child” will not be told that up-front, and it can be a surprise attack at her disposal. This happens not only at special times, but for any time for any reason.
Narcissists feel they have every right to interject themselves as the right to ownership of everything. That include dictating how money is spent, and the right to just take it for themselves. Any position or status the “child” has earned by hard work and diligence is of course there because she worked it out on his behalf; – so in her mind she is entitled to have the recognition and the reward. Who hasn’t chucked at the GEICO Cavemen from the insurance Co? If you were to ask a narcissistic parent about The GEICO Cavemen , her reply would be that he stops all other activities and conversation when he gets a call from his mother. Honestly! All narcissists feel as entitled as that, and have that level of expectation from their child -no matter.
Given all that and a lot more. . . why would any one in their right mind want to have anything to do with Christmas? And yet the narcissist persists by lamenting how non-compliance ruins Christmas and berating him and everyone who agrees. She has bought a number of gifts and plans to give them even knowing that it won’t be reciprocated. It ensures that she will have legitimate-sounding complaints to anyone she can get to listen. And she gets to remind us how upstanding and giving she is after all, and she gets nothing in return. Little does it occur to her that we gave up a job, home, and possessions. Not considerations that we are physically tied to her medical needs because she is not able to do many things for herself any longer from accurately tracking serious medications to tying her shoelaces each morning.
She has forgotten the sacrifices we made for her. Delaying a formal wedding, not having a honeymoon, accommodating ourselves in an unfinished basement rather than a house with hardwood floors, a kitchen, and bedrooms. We traded all that to look after her. We sacrificed our personal time,and all our energy is invested in her welfare. We can not even take a short walk around the block without it becoming some major conflict because she feel entitled to a ride or adventure. If we treat our young interns to a pizza to rally their support and thank them for the work they do above and beyond, as we did recently, she feels so entitled to an equal or better gift to show appreciation to her.
A parcel arrived at the door this afternoon. It was addressed to us. All I hear is an angry voice informing me how disadvantaged she is because we won’t co-operate and how we have spent money and are getting a gift that she did not authorize. And now that is somehow my fault! What a sad speck of humanity.
